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Thursday, October 28, 2010

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:“
Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,

thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong

honey. I love you too!!”


A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $20
“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says
some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and
waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new
madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought,
“That’s really not so bad.”

When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New
house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been
raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband ‘Keith’ came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

“Hi, Keith!”


A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.
The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said- "Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" Exclaimed the man. I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!
No, no, pleaded the dog. Please don’t! If he finds out i can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone as well!

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check

her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The

widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached Safely
Date: 21 st July, 2004


I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to

our loved ones. I’ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared

for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …

“Your mother insulted me,” she sobbed.

“My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?” the man asked.

“I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.”

“And?”

At the end of the letter it was written:


PS. Dear Marry, when you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son!

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, “What

do you think you are doing?“

“What if you have an accident?”

The priests say, “Don’t worry, my son. God is with us.”

The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.”

A lady is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to stop eating regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks.

The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.

”When the lady returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The lady nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.

“No, from skipping,” replied the lady.

The married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man

in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?“

“Yes” she replies, “He’s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”

“That’s remarkable” the husband replies, “I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.“

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Hunting Flies” He responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?” She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females”, he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone”.

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I’m Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. 
Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn’t an urgent

matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I’m Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Operator: That’s what I said. I’m Saw Ree…

Caller: Oh… God!!...

Two friends who were playing golf on a fine morning, saw a funeral procession passing by. One of the friends

who was about to hit the ball, stopped mid-way, took off the cap and bowed down. The other friend was

overwhelmed by seeing this and asked him, "You are a kind and truly a gentleman. I have never seen such a

thoughtful person. The friend replied, "Yes, I was married to her for 35 years."

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $200
Patient: $200 for just a few minutes worth work?!
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly, if you like.

1. Moving In

Before

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room;

she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blow jobs follow ambient

dinners like a fine port.

After

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotised by Coronation Street; you

scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the

office really does have a great arse.

2. Addictions

Before

You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken

recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.

After

For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and skin up, pass out in the lounge in

your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.

2. Bodily functions

Before

You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her

presence.

After

You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and

speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head

under the covers. You think it's hilarious.

3. Relations/Friends

Before

Her Auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her

unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.

After

Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a

manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.

4. Sex

Before

Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You have sex to impress, using all your tricks.

Having sex four times a day is not uncommon.

After

A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

5. Attention span

Before

Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over

candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her

childhood.

Before

Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the

uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are you

listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.

6. The flip side (the female perspective)

Before

She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass

male habits which have plagued her previous relationships.....but she suspects that you're full of sh*t.

After

She knows you're full of sh*t.

A woman goes to a party and leaves her husband at home to watch the football game. At the party the bartender

recognized her wedding ring on the wrong finger so he ask her "Why is your wedding ring on the wrong finger

mam?" "Well you don’t miss a thing do you and your right it is, and it’s because I married the wrong man!"

A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a

bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow

her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a

little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step,

only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip

her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment

she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to

take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and

placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't

even know who you are!"

The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly

three times, I kind'a figured we were friends."

Element: woman

Symbol: Wo 

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 - 160 lbs.

Occurrence: surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1) surface usually covered in painted film

2) boils at nothing, freezes without reason

3) melts if given proper treatment

4) bitter if used incorrectly

5) found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common 'ore

Chemical Properties:

1) possess great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones

2) able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances

3) may explode spontaneously if left alone with a male

4) insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol

5) yields to pressure applied to correct points

Uses:

1) highly ornamental, especially in sports cars

2) most powerful money-reducing agent known

3) can be a great aid to relaxation

Tests:

1) pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state

2) turns green if placed beside a better specimen

Caution:

1) highly dangerous except in experienced hands

2) illegal to posses more than one except in certain areas

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Jones, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm sorry to tell you that the man you saved later hanged himself."

"Oh, he didn't hang himself," Mr. Jones replied. "I hung him up to dry."

A very drunken man gets on a city bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you - You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked.

He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.

A few minutes later, the drawing was held.

And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707...

An ugly woman walks into to a psychiatrist' s office. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began. "I am so ugly that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"

"Why, certainly! Helping people feel better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."

"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.

"First, just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."

There were two childhood buddies who went through school and college and even joined the army together. War broke out and they were fighting in the same unit. One night they were ambushed.
Bullets were flying all over and out of the darkness came a voice, " Harry, please come and help me."

Harry immediately recognized the voice of his childhood buddy, Bill. He asked the captain if he could go.

The captain said, "No, I can't let you go, I am already short-handed and I cannot afford to lose one more person. Besides, the way Bill sounds he is not going to make it." Harry kept quiet.

Again the voice came, "Harry, please come and help me." Harry sat quietly because the captain had refused earlier.

Again and again the voice came.

Harry couldn't contain himself any longer and told the captain, "Captain, this is my childhood buddy. I have to go and help."

The captain reluctantly let him go. Harry crawled through the darkness and dragged Bill back into the trench. They found that Bill was dead.

Now the captain got angry and shouted at Harry, "Didn't I tell you he was not going to make it? He is dead, you could have been killed and I could have lost a hand. That was a mistake."

Harry replied, "Captain, I did the right thing. When I reached Bill he was still alive and his last words were 'Harry, I knew you would come."'

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.

"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.

"Are you light-headed? " my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

Dave sets up Graham to go on a blind date with Helen, a friend of his. But Graham is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Graham, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." Dave says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaugghh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Andy knocks at Shirleys door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaugghh!"

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"


There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."


The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have s*x with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for an*l s*x so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.


The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. 
The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" 
The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Monday, October 25, 2010

One stormy night an English, Irish and Scottish man were walking home and had no shelter so at the top of this big hill they found this haunted house.
They were all freaked out and hesitated to go in.
Eventually, the English man went in and found a five pound note sitting on the table and he goes to lift it when all of a sudden the ghost of  Mickey Mouse appears and says 
"I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house"
Next the Scottish man went in and saw the fiver, but before he could lift it the ghost of Mickey Mouse appeared again and said
" I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house".
Finally, the Irishman went in and lifted the fiver and Mickey Mouse popped out again and said "I'm the ghost of Mickey mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house"
















A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said,
"Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. 
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked,
"Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good, "replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

Dearest Son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Gander family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,
she put a third one in because she heard you have grown
another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours
to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

One hand on wheel, One hand on horn: CHICAGO.

One hand on wheel, Middle finger out window: NEW YORK.


One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, Cutting across all lanes

of traffic: NEW JERSEY.

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, Foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON.


One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.


Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: INDIANA.......but, driving in CALIFORNIA.


Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.


One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, Banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.


One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, Throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS.


Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun ounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.


Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA.


One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS (or WEST VIRGINIA).

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked 
when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her 
at any time. 
 
She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex 
again - the strain would be too much. 
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. 
 
Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better 
sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. 
 
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other 
on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. 
 
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. 
"I was about to commit suicide." 
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming 
upstairs to kill you!"

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.  
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'  
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'.
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father
and said solemnly, 
"Baptism is a serious step.  
Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied.  
"My wife has made appetizers and we have a 
caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our 
guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded.  "I mean, are you prepared
spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply.  "I've got a keg of beer and a case of 
whiskey."

I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my 
secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an 
agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.
 
She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is $400 a week."
 
I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. 
 
She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 
a week."

The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." 
One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.
Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. 
The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man.
The old man said "you're velcome."

A man wanting to borrow another man's newspaper asks, "Are you finishe(d)?"
The other man replies, "No, I'm Norwegian."

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

Sarah: Meet my new-born brother.
Helen: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
Sarah: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

A man walks into a bar and sees a man with a tiny head about the size of an orange.

He asks the bartender what had happened to the man.


The bartender says, "Well, he was on a beach and saw a beautiful mermaid."


"The mermaid swam up to him and offered him a single wish."


Unfortunatly, the man replied "How about a little head?"

These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards.

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.


2. I would not allow this student to breed.


3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.


4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.


5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.


6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.


7. This child has been working with glue too much.


8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell !

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead 

There is a man in the park peeing in a fountain and a cop comes up to him and says, "Sir you need to zip that up. You aren't supposed to pee in a public fountain like that"
So the cop is leaving and the man zips up his pants but is laughing loudly. 
Finally the cop says "What are you laughing at?" and the man says "I zipped it up but I didnt stop!"

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.


The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe. So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon an redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.
"Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no asnwer at all.
The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.
So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"
The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."
"Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.
"NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard,
"Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs
werea trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she
putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go.
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking
and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided
that I should help.
It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag. 

 A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never
be absolute, unless absolutely necessary:
 
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. 
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.


The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."


So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.


Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.


The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"


The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.


So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.


The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.


But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.


God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"


The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.

He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.

He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.

Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper. “Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not.”

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled,
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive,"  Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him  know that he is still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to  Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.

No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA  and the Secret Service, the list got longer and longer.

Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.

Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean. Starving to death they found a can of roastbeef. They start debating how to open the can without can-opener.
Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it.
Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire.
Economist said:"Let's suppose the can is opened..."

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

Patient goes to Doctor, doctor starts looking at him...

Doctor: - Good, good, good...

Patient: - Doctor, what's good?
Doctor: - Good that I don't have what you have...


A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."


A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”


A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."


The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

  • 10 He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
  • 9 She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
  • 8 He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.
  • 7 He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king! She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
  • 6 On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me every where. Written just below it: "I do not."
  • 5 He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
  • 4 Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'
  • 3 He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
  • 2 He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
  • Number 1 He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there.


One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.
Devil: Why are you so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey,
tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Tab. We drink until we get sick and then we drink
some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out.  If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead.
Guy: Man!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...?
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die -- you're already dead!
Guy: Wow! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place!
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No.
Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays.

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